So I went and made a year-end post

So, here we are again, counting the dying seconds of the year. And what a year 2011 was for me, it repeatedly broke and reassembled me in ways that I thought were not possible.

To tell the truth, I shouldn't have been surprised. considering that I spent the last hours before 2011, talking to my ex (we're still together then), rebuffing requests for us to end the relationship. This was to be a recurring theme up until I let go mid-March. That is not to say that all related complications were over, as well. This breakup precipitated my best friend's Skewed attraction for me, making me feel that I hadn't ended the relationship at all (ex and best friend have eerily similar personalities). This reached a climax (in more ways than one) mid-October and I'm still readjusting things with us till now.

This has also been a year of firsts. I got my first office work (in a contact center, of course), and my first master's class too (failed, max absences. boo) On the flip side, 2011 also saw the first time that I was pummeled in the face, as well as hatching an elaborate scheme so that my parents will not notice that I'm not graduating this semester. First time becoming a uncle to my brother's kid, too (disastrous).

On love? Well I think I fell for someone. That's about it. Hahahaha

Perhaps the thing 2011 gave me that had the most value were people. To have met, discovered, rediscovered, knew, loved, hated, and everything else in between. Each person had a lesson or two to share with me. I am deeply grateful for all the people around me: family, friends, classmates, schoolmates, acquaintances, and even complete strangers that left footprints in my soul and changed my, perhaps for the better.

With this short note I am letting go of 2011 and jumping into the unknown of 2012 with a manic grin and, hopefully, the Lord will help me with an untroubled heart.

Happy New Year!

Day 6: The Last Day

I woke up just in time to answer the blaring mobile phone that's buzzing beside my ear for the past minute. I say hello, and the other line said " The time right now is 7:28:55am, Philippine time my created. You have exactly 24 hours to prepare for your demise. Lovelots, The Creator" Knowing this call would come sooner than later, I set to maximize the remaining time.

As I go down the stairs, I see my mom and dad, doing their usual morning stuff. I suddenly felt a pang of pain as I realized that this will be the last time I will see them, talk to them, or just interact with them. So I sprinted down the stairs and hugged them real tight. Let's go out, I said, let's fill this day with memories. Befuddled, they argued a bit but I will not be deterred. I also banged my sibling's rooms to get them moving so we can catch the Mass. Meanwhile, I loaded my phone and punched the code for unlimited calls. I also sent a message to everyone in my phonebook about the impact each of them had in my life. I wanted to call them but I want to go to church first.

While attending mass, I felt the connection that lingered during all the other masses I partook. Knowing that this will be my last, I poured my soul into every song and canticle. After mass, I started calling each person alphabetically, catching up on things, telling them how much I missed/miss/will miss them. Usually it took five minutes, but some close friends stayed for half an hour. I actually told some of them what will happen in a few hours and they were as shocked as I was.

While I'm raiding my contacts, I hailed a taxi and went to the park. I isolated each of my family members and explained everything, exposed everything and forgave and apologized for everything. Each showed their forms of remorse but I thought my heart would break when I saw mother's tears. Don't worry I said while blinking back tears, we'll be together soon.

After a day of fun, we went home to a surprise despedida concocted by my friends. In the gathering, I exposed myself, made things clear and had everyone's mind and heart lightened by midnight. It was so fun, I wouldn't mind going now.

After everyone found a place to stay (no one wanted to go), I booted up my laptop and said my goodbyes to the virtual world I also inhabit, as well as locking each my my online personas to that my memory will not be changed. I also created a will so that everything will be in order.

I found my parents huddled in their room, crying silently but showing a brave face for me when I went in. I hugged them tightly and asked for the greatest thing I can: pray together before sleeping, kissing their cheeks and making mano, and then sleeping between them. Just like when I was a kid.

--
Goodbye, my 23rd year. You were a game-changer

Day 5: The Goalposts

November 27, 2016

Has it been really five years since then? Things just went so smoothly that I can't even imagine how it fit together so well. I am now managing juggling a job, life and a vision. It was really a far, but still near, cry from what I have been.

Work is just like the baby bear's porridge in Goldilocks - just right. Research in renewable energy is a tedious task, but the possible rewards has never been so near to the touch. Improvements in solar energy efficiencies as well as in OTEC technologies, as well as  strides in integrating them to the national power grid, have brought lights to whatever has been shrouded in darkness before, with cleaner fuel. As one of scores of researchers who work hard to make this possible, it is like your child walking up the stage and getting a medal as the highest in their batch.

Speaking of children, Mikael is doing well, his day-care teacher says that he shows aptitudes in math and science, though I personally see him as a hands-on guy - something his pop never was, hahahaha. I'll just hope he won't be unconsciously breaking hearts and dashing dreams, whatever side of the fence he eventually decides to go. Artemis and I are arguing when t turn Kael into an older brother: by next year or when Kael enters grade school.

By the time Kaels gets a little bro or sis, I might be teaching, a weird turn from a staunchly engineering discipline that shaped me for more than a decade. I felt it was time to give back and, upon getting the requisite training and certification, I am now set to teach algebra and trigonometry to (unsuspecting) freshmen. Feels like old times already.

Day 4: On Relationships

"Neglect is the greatest destroyer of relationships"
---

I'm one of the most laid-back people I know when it comes to relationships. I'm there when you need me, or maybe when you don't. Sometimes, I can even be considered a storm-weather friend. The only problem is I seem to lose some of the information people confide in me a few pieces at a time.

Blame it on a possible case of ADD, memory retention problem or that I get too comfortable in a relationship - whether that be platonic or romantic - I lost track of things fast. This is especially true when the person in question and I start to drift apart. The fibers of memory binding us start to loosen, fray and eventually let go.

Most people, or at least for most people that I have consulted this with, would have taken this in stride. However, the only caveat of my forgetfulness is that even dates get to be shady. An interesting effect of this is that I do not remember the first time I met many of my close friends before, making me think I have known them forever. And what one would feel if such a person vanishes is what I have felt for each person disappearing, so much that at some level, this sens of pain has been deadened somewhat (currently rediscovering these emotions, the painful way).

*prone to be edited and/or continued*

Day 3: 5 Questions I usually ask myself

I wasn't able to post yesterday. Crummy, I wanted to do this in a row.
---
Why are you so indecisive about things that matter to you? I think of what other people too much when thinking about decisions that affect my life (primarily romance related) such that in order not to hurt anyone else, I will take the path of least casualties (read: myself) and be a fence-sitter. Really, sometimes it's a wonder what - or who - am I waiting for.

Can you stop being sexually charged for a while here? The one thing I can attribute to hormones and youth is not exactly appealing to me. I mean, I like the deed as much the next person but its hurtful that I'm prejudiced in this manner (read: people think I will hump a lamppost). I have friends that frown upon it so much that they actually get angry at me as if I'm a miscreant and should be turned into an amoeba. This line of thought has been nagging me for so long that I have sometimes thought that there might be something wrong with me.

What would happen if I die today? Let's get something out if the way - I am NOT suicidal. It's just that, if I die, will anyone other than my family remember me? Will I get to really have the people around me say what they really thought/think of me? Will someone cry? Will the people that I wish will care about my death will? Would have I left the people that I love that ,yes, I have loved them to the best of my heart and abilities?

What would happen if a life-changer happened in my life today? I always play with the what-ifs. Super-powers, loads of money, amnesia, parallel worlds - name it, and I might have created a scenario about it. Maybe it's due to boredom or I feel something lacking in my life.

Am I loved?  In truth, this questions popped frequently only recently, when game-changers happened. I have anchored myself to few people to support my still-broken self and when one of them fall, I am sent to a sudden feeling of getting the carpet yanked off my feet. But then, this is the one question that I can answer, yet I don't believe still. I am loved but not in the way I wanted.

Day 2: An article of faith

I believe in God. However, as much as I believe the doctrines that the Church that represents my God hold, I cannot see myself strictly adhering to it's traditions and tenets. And most likely, if you believe what I'm supposed to believe, you will have to consider yourself an abomination, too. No, I do not believe in a God that will create my for the sole purpose of vilifying my entire existence. As much as I cannot believe that the same loving, merciful God will painstakingly create images of the Divine and cast them unto the eternal pyre, with no chance for redemption.

The God I know transcends my knowledge and understanding, but not to the point that all is unknowable.And the same unknowable God gives me experiences to catch a glimpse of understanding- usually by using people around me as finite illustrations of an infinite concept.

Many things are left out and, truthfully, for many other things I do not know to express. This is what I know. This is what I believe.

Day 1: 30 Facts

Wanting to know who I am, I naturally start with what I know. So I'll list down things I do know about myself, hopefully, facts and experiences untinged with the coloring of hindsight.

1. I love books. One of the most sure-fire way for me to drain the time is to plop myself with a book, even if I have read that book so much I'm already creasing the spice off.

2. I rarely plan, I'd rather have a to-do list than a battle plan since I'm weirdly particular about them - each itinerary is timed to the minute, with only a five to ten minute leeway for three or for activities spread throughout the afternoon.

3. I had TB when I was third year high school - probably explains why I have a smalls car on my left lung and a great aversion to smoke and ,consequently, smokers.

4. Supreme self-confidence (aka cockiness) is very evident when I was younger. I applied for only one secondary school, and four years later, two universities. In all honesty, I saw the second application as redundant since I was  so sure that I will get in the first university anyway.

5. No, I'm not Chinese,not one bit. As far as I can trace it, I am purely Filipino up to the third generation (the surnames are actually getting more Spanish the further I go). Non-chi people fail to see it, most filchi friends of mine notice it almost immediately.

Seriously. No.

6. I'm a spaghetti monster. Not the pastafarian kind, the where-was the-mountain-of-pasta-that-was-there-three-seconds-ago kind. My mom actually says I just breathe the stuff in.

7. I absolutely have no fashion sense, never thought I would have needed it. My motto had been "comfort is style", though I have been finding myself getting more conscious about how I look like nowadays.

8. I consider myself the ugliest of three siblings.

9. My elementary school nickname was pusa. Not because I'm cute or cuddly, but because I manage to get myself so dirty my classmates are seeing patterns that look like a set of a cat's whiskers in my face, starting from the nose.

10. Elementary dream job: Priest. I think this started due to a shortage of books that I was reading the Bible while having lunch at school. Everyday. That and Catholic School.

11. Had an appendectomy when I was 8 or 9 years old. After that, my parents usually stop me from being hyper by saying  "Sige ka, bubuka yang sugat mo."

12. I love eating ice. But then I don't like suddenly shivering because I down a large glass of ice.

13. I have entered a theatre playing an R-18 movie before I graduated from high school.

14. I always have trouble buying shoes since I'm flatfooted. The sides of my left foot is cramped, while the toes of my right are crumpled.

15. I have dyslexic fingers. I usually interchange characters in a line of text, especially if I have no conscious effort to check, as well as when the train of thought is unimpeded. I actually have to correct two errors for this statement only.

16. The "rebellious" phase of my childhood mainly consisted of subversion instead of direct confrontation. I derive a strange pleasure from bending the rules to suit me.

17. I was almost got to spend a night at a police station when I was a junior high school student.

18. I developed hyperacidity due to drinking too much iced tea. Instead of stopping, I continued on drinking the stuff until the symptoms disappeared.

19. I usually shift among three voices.

20. On average, I think I have lost a cellphone a year for since I started to have one. Meaning I inevitably lose contact with some people every year.

21. One of the things I missed most when I was a kid was the time that my mother cleans my ears.

22. The left side of my head is flatter that my right. That's probably why I was advised against going for a crew-cut by my hairdresser.

23. I send SMS in full English. Most of the time.

24. I tend to concentrate on one thing so much that I literally cannot hear what other people are saying, nor do I realize that they were trying to get my attention too.

25. I kissed a Chem classmate at the men's CR. I later learned that our instructor saw it.

26. I usually remember how to go to a place after I travel to the location once. It's essential for a guy with semi-itchy feet.

27. I have never punched a person in my life. The nearest was that one time I bitch-slapped my brother for being to much of a dick.

28. I have a hyperactive imagination. Leave me bored for half an hour and I might've conjured up a story in my head, complete with special effects. Usually, it's magic-themed.

29. I never mastered the art of riding a bike. Or a roller blade. Yet, I'm still planning to get a driver's license.

30. I usually ask a question pertaining to an info about a person several times before I almost not forget it. 

Straight from the bottle

TO be given one's own medicine is such a bittersweet experience. And to think that this has been a recurring theme of my life for the past two months, it really feels like Nemesis or Karma or whoever entity is discharged with righteous retribution is shoving it up in spades. To think that I've never been a fan of her form of justice.

I still believe in the cumulative effects of doing good and evil, that's causality talking. But having the effects bear an eerie resemblance to the cause is another bag of chips entirely. The most recent issue/case-in-point/predicament is with a very close friend of mine who one day decided to clam up and not spill a detail about him recently. All I have is a gut feel (telling me that there's something definitely wrong) and a series of uhhs, emoticons and wala namans. To think that this is what I did before to other friends, just to see if they will just eat it all up or at least make the effort to check what really is happening.

Speaking of other friends, my attachment to some of them has begun to border on to obsession or utter dependency. As if I wished to make a few people bear the weight of my world - something that I personally bemoaned from the actions of my best friend. And in truth, one of these people came forward and told me that. It's not that I'm not aware, I said, but I'm stuck here and no one has come forward to extend a hand or two. But I realized right after that there were people that helped me, just not the ones I expected to. So I continued my bitch spiral while waiting - what a surefire way to get rid of negative emotions, yes?

After several game-changers these past eight weeks, I'm not really wondering why I'm running the full gamut of possible human (and possible simian and bestial) emotions. What am I surprised about, actually, is that I'm not a raving lunatic, getting myself drunk just to get a chance to punch a random dude.

Well, guess I'm starting to patch things up, along with a bad case of the colds. Just a few more loose ends.

Maybe it's just the rain

As the sky sheds her torrent of tears,
I stare at the great expanse of my hopes and fears.
Parts I cannot hope to mend
and words I would rather have left said.

People, places, times and things -
each holds a piece of my memories.
People, places, times and things -
each a chance for heaven or a shot to the abyss.

As this little thought unwraps in my head,
I am aware of time's relentless march.
It might be time to move, I guess
rather than get lost in melancholy once again.

Masoleum

The interred are stirring, disturbed by my presence, as well as yours. The sense a newcomer, the freshness of your spring piqued times forgotten. You know of your fate, and welcomes it as well as you can.

Still I tread in the place of eternal fall, searching for the perfect spot to bury you. You stared at me with imploring eyes tinted with the yellow and red of the swirling leaves. Mesmerized as always by your enchanting gaze, I slowed my step and looked at you in all your glory enhanced by the sombre, solemn space. It's as if you  , yourself, are stuck between this plane and the next, somehow taking in the most beautiful. I almost feel my soul falling unto the abyss of your eyes, and at that moment I broke my gaze. It is time.

The ground is fresh, ready for another memory to be given to its eternal embrace, to nourish another seed in this forest of amber and jade.

Inertial Pull

Kung lagi kang mababatuhan ng "ikaw talaga yung 'di nagbago sa 'tin" phrase in at least two or three sets of contacts, it starts to get a little bit disturbing, and all the more depressing.

Recently, I've found myself in an never-ending hamster's wheel. Each episode in my recent times is vaguely reminiscent of previous memories. It's like right before that most pivotal moment, everything reverts to the beginning, with each actor oblivious to the con.

All except me. Sometimes.

It's easy to "just get by" to every day. Blind to the ramifications each of your actions will take. Take  the phrase "whatever will be, will be" to its most extreme form. To be too proud to procrastinate everything on the grand delusion that everything will magically be rectified.

I wish for a life "happily ever after", an ideal where everything did turn out well, where I will be able to live life without sacrificing anything. Truthfully, I tried make that dream a reality, foolish child I was and am. To purchase the happiness of the people around you with bits and pieces of yourself, and then tax them when you find the absence too high a price to bear.

I have always known that my life is to be at the sidelines, an ever-watching witness to the story of other people's travails. However, would it be too selfish to ask for a small piece of the sky and a small patch of light for me to see as well?

The dull blade

There sits a blade in the far side of the room, dusty and unused. It was one of the sharpest of the master's swords, and was once his favorite. It was used often, and the constant use never chipped it. Nay, each blow it took helped sharpened it, and the master was pleased. It was always talked about when the master meets other masters, and never did it disappoint.

The reason of the master's preference was that the blade was versatile. Whichever way the master used it, be it forward-edge or reverse, held like the sword it was or the assassin's knife it can be, the blade performed superbly. Other masters respected the blade, though some wished the master will not be overconfident of its blade and let his own skills be rusty.

Alas, the day the other masters feared eventually crept on. The master was too haughty of his blade that he became careless of other matters. He truly and fervently believed that his blade will be able to save him. Truly the blade was his saving grace, but it wasn't enough to win all the essential battles. Truth be told, the master's skills were so dependent on that one blade that he became weak.

Eventually, the master slunk out of his battles, choosing instead to boast about laurels that have withered and returned to the earth. He now uses other blades, blades that work differently from his favorite. He might not wield them with the same finesse as his favorite, but his mastery over his preferred blade was enough to win him some battles, though he used that blade less and less.

Over time, the once-preferred blade gathered dust, its sheen slowly vanished, and its oft-feared edge gradually tarnished. No one dares confront the master when he bears that blade, not knowing that nowadays, it's only for show. The master knows it, but his damned pride will not acknowledge the need of training. What I know is more than enough, he bellows.

But one night, he was watching a duel between masters while bearing the dusty, old blade. A long-forgotten feeling rose up in him and he found himself swinging the blade to and fro. The feeling urged him to go and join the battle, yet he held back for the fear that the illusion he perpetuated with his blade be discovered. After a while though, the feeling became unbearable and he hastened to the field, brandishing his blade in the best way he believed possible.

The continuous blows transformed both blade and master. The blade shed off some of the dust it gathered and regained some of his previous splendor, while the master saw his old skills return. Flushed with the battle that ensued (no one won, as it was only for practice), the master started to wonder what happened to him and his trusty blade such that he had to deceive everyone just to save face.

And here the story starts again.

The Biggest Con

I can truly say that this is the worst period of my life (academically). A fourth flunk on a lab course withheld my graduation till Oct 2012, it also dismissed my from my department.

What a mess have I gotten myself into this time?

This would still be livable had it not been for my parent's firm belief that I have already graduated - and I do not have the heart to break the bitter truth. Had this been just a personal issue, I would've shrugged it off as a duck shrugs water, however, the rules changed when my mom uttered the phrase "matagal na naming inaasam-asam" (direct quote, just to emphasize the magnanimity of the situation). Thus, I shall find work, pay my taxes, and do what normal college graduates with a job are doing, while sending myself to school as well. As well as minimizing any evidence of such in front of my parents.

Complicated enough, yes? Now let us add another factor into this little mix: as a fellow breadwinner by that time, I will foot part of the bill for both my sister's debut and my parents' silver. These two events are less than three months apart. From now until the time comes, I must raise enough money for these two momentous events in my family's history as well as do everything in the previous paragraph.

So begins the biggest, year-long con I hope to implement.

Sacrilegious it must be, but may the Lord help me with this endeavor.

Changes

First off, thank You for the effort you've directed into my page. Much appreciated :D
---

It's been a few days/weeks after my last convo with Bestfriend. Personally, I don't want to see him again in the near future, though I believe I'll meet him sooner rather than later. Interestingly, this tirade might have caused a flurry of changes I want to put into effect. It just felt like for more than a year, I've been putting my best foot forward into walking gaily in pace.  An illusion of perpetual movement blinded me to the adverse effects of my entropic state.

I wish for this to change.

But change is scary, and tiresome.

Maybe this line of thought was the reason for the illusion to persist. I need to move to break the bonds and reform them. Chase the shadows and accept them. To bear the truth. To pay the price.

Methinks Kiro will be an active blogger soon :P

Meteor Shower

Today and tomorrow, an annual schedule of wish-makers is set to arrive from the belt of the celestial hunter. Translation: Orionoids.

Just like the meteors, news feeds about them are building up in my FB wall post. And most liekly, said contacts will lie down ( preferably with friends or a lover ) and watch the heavenly fireworks display with wishes in their hearts.

Though I don't want to go outside (more likely I won't have any clear vantage points to say my oohs and ahhs), my heart still has some use for those falling space-rocks. My heart is in turmoil, stupid enough not to discern what it really feels that it leaves the classification to a heartless brain. My (student) life hangs in the balance, my best friend (yes Bestfriend) crossed the line and I dont know if I want him to take a respite or to take a hike. My finances area mess and I need to tell my parents that I'm staying at school for one more semester.

Im tired. But I'm afraid to tell anyone that.

Because my greatest need - that someone will come and save me - is, right now, my greatest fear as well.

Other people

It has come to my attention that the moments that I needed other people to be there had been more frequent as of late. However, it also seems that the very people that I wanted to be there isn't just there. And, more alarmingly, it seems that their absence will become more or less permanent.

I have developed quite a phobia from people walking away, leaving an empty life full of half-forgotten memories. I've been through a lot of those that I think that part of the reason that I have just made up a wall of rationalization and smugness. That people come, that people may stay, that people may go. That I have been comfortable with any group of people just because I'm thankful for the warmth that dispels the coldness of solitude.

"It might be conceded to mathematicians that four is twice two, but I can say that two is not twice one. It is one thousand times one."

-The man who was Tuesday, paraphrased.

I must admit that there are few people that are very close to me, however that has been a bit on the rocks lately (read: hidden desires and barely-masked demands). I want to rekindle the circles that I left, but it is a bit awkward to make past and present collide, inasmuch as you keep friends apart: one will see another side of you that you are keen of hiding to the other person because said friends will think a lot differently (and most of the time, less) of you.

Painful, to say the least.

The yearning to start over has been there a couple of times, but I know I cannot undo bad endings, I can only use them to create better beginnings. And for that, I asked to courage to be who I am, who I need to be, without pain made inutile of the countless masks that we wear.

On Exes

It's really a strange set of people to interact with, exes. Like one of my HS friends said, even if the ugly has faded into the background and your regard each other as friends, there is always that something when you're in each other's company. A shadow of the flame. Or a vestige of what one was. Or that lilting feeling when you traipse around shared times, places and experiences.

I've always kept some form of communication with past loves, striving to recover the friendship that would be inevitably tarnished after a breakup (So far, I've been moderately successful). But this most recent meetup with the most recent ex was a bit jarring. What was supposed to be a request for a companion evolved into a day-long date of sorts. The pain that it exudes is quite exquisite: mix the pang of isolation with the joy of familiarity, sprinkled with affection and with a generously helping of treks down memory lane. To see a friend, turned into a lover, but not quite yet reverted back to a friend.

I know that this feeling that I have is not exactly romantic love, not is it platonic. This is the sum total of all that has happened between us, of something special that has been let go but remains with us still. And I have to admit that what we had was special, though I never wanted to partake of it again.

I must recognize this fact, and learn from it, and to keep what can be kept.

Broken Inertia

Well, isn't it curious how everything just seems to conclude pretty much at the same time? Or that when a card falls off your hand, your entire game is so screwed up you wish there would be a total reshuffle? Or that card, having been removed in a Patience game, was the key blockade to stack up all the suits and make them jump off in your desktop?

I know this sounds like its coming from a schizo's dream journal, but then haven't you thought that maybe your "life" is the dream? A small respite from a butterfly's dance between the wind and the earth?

To have left a world that you have already adapted to and accepted, and thrust back to a realm you neglected.
To hold the ruins of the strongest link you had, only to find yourself hanging from a thread that you thought has already snapped.
To let go for the good, but hopefully not for good.
To see the static world, treasured for an age, dissolve in a maddening spectacle of light and sound.

From the single path that I have learned to love and tread, I have now come to the vast expanse of the ocean. Where shall I go? Shall I explore the uncharted waters, looking for treasure isles? Shall I comb the seashore, picking up shells and pearls? Or shall I stay rooted on the cobbled path, not once treading on the sand?

This was not planned, but then life is what happens while mortals plan.

Sparks

When I first met you, I swore that I will only love you as a friend.
And I did, through twists and bends.
Then you left, for reasons I will never know
Though only in your absence how my love for you has grown.

Burnt bridges are the hardest to cross
Even harder than bridges covered in moss
My sighs become melodies in the wind
Bewailing the time, the choices that had us cleaved

Fate and chance conspire to give me hope
False or true, I fearfully clutch the rope
I made the first step, but found myself wanting
Too terrified to go up, my heart is left hanging

You were the flame that might have been
That coveted spark that never found its kindling
My heart can be the coal that will ignite the flame
But my heart is afraid, so it locked itself up in my brain.

Superman

Today is the intersection of the balls I've been struggling to juggle for three-four months running. I'm running late on a deadline at school and because of that, I'm not able to go to a job that I've already passed a resignation letter on because of another subject that is on the tenterhooks because of tardiness since 1) I'm a crappy taskmaster, and 2) Work and sleep pretty much eat up my day.

By the time you get to this line, you'll probably be wondering why these things didn't wreak havoc earlier.
By the time I got to that line, I was wondering how in heaven's name did I keep them from wreaking havoc earlier.

The cherry on top of this particular pie? I got a nasty gash in my finger (read: there is a groove where flesh, blood and skin was supposed to be. Dunno, I got a long one in the arm before, but that was with a door. Go figure.) when the cap of the coke bottle ricocheted off my hand and shattered a nearby glass.

I know I have the capacity to do all this and have something left over. However, I can't do this everyday. Though all of my details are precise to the minute when I lay my plans, I am not a being of minute mutinae. I'm losing out on my priorities because of what my responsibilities are demanding of me. I am now reduced to work, commute and home, with school almost losing out on the deal. No more arnis for me, the the planned capoiera classes might just as well go out the window along with plans of disk-tossing. I miss the idle banter of people I actually can relate to, and not just because we're griping against the way we are treated.

Most of all, I miss myself. I'm turning to a bitter, sharp-tongued bastard , full of angst but powerless to release or divert it.

So something should be sent out, for sanity's sake.

Witness' Response

I don't like the feeling of being helpless. I'd rather be able to step in and help rather than watch and try to influence events in a roundabout way. However, this is the position that I was given for the past 48 hours. To watch as a relationship comes to terms about a festering issue through responses in song, to watch as bonds get all the more frayed with each unkind word and deed, to watching a budding intimacy weather down its first thorn.

To stand by and watch is truly maddening.
---
I won't finish this post, with the if and when of resuming this is anyone's guess. Eyestrain demands I rest. And I don't know if I can come up with any resolution for this one too.

After all, I've been charged to watch and not move. That is the duty given to me, and I shall take it gladly.

Rejection

re·jec·tion  (r-jkshn)

n.

1. The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.

2. Something rejected.

re·ject  (r-jkt)

tr.v. re·ject·ed, re·ject·ing, re·jects

1. To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of.

2. To refuse to consider or grant; deny.

3. To refuse to recognize or give affection to (a person).

4. To discard as defective or useless; throw away.

------

I'm sure everyone has been acquainted with rejection one time or another in their lives. Be it getting passed over a desired promotion, getting your hopes dashed by the one you are courting, getting turned down by the school or company you've been dreaming of joining, or simply being turned away for any reason at all.

I can say that sometimes, I feel that rejection must the loneliness' sister or twin. Rarely is one around without the other lurking in the shadows of one's mind. Though sometimes, we can also reject ourselves-that is, in the moment of ultimate solitude, we cast aside the only being that remains with us...and getting rejected in return.

What else can we say at rejection? It is hurtful, numbing even. It feels like a jagged glass knife, cutting one from his chosen path, sometimes even snipping the thread that connects him with others that can at the very least alleviate his pain. He is alienated to those feelings simply because he is too hurt-he won't reach out or move forward. The pain rejection lavishly offers can even seem to slow down time at the very moment you want it to speed up and take the pain away.

So one may think of rejecting the feeling, refusing its existence, obliterating it from conscious thought. He sometimes succeeds, albeit for a short while. But rejection's filthy caress will not be denied, her tendrils will seek him and choke him in her fetid embrace, dragging him down to depths strange and foul. These are the times that one is so hurt that he is on the verge of tears, but only just. Rejection rarely gives one that cleansing balm so readily.

So what else can be done? Simply let it flow and let it take one to those places unwanted, for lessons can be picked up from murk and dank. Or, if one can withstand it, force the flow to greater pressures, feeling the pain more intensely for a briefer time. If the eyes cannot convey the pain, let it flow from you some other way. A friend can always remedy the pain, though sometimes it may not seem that way. Believe in oneself. One is not made by a single rejection, as much as one is not made by a single triumph. Believe in a higher power, for those who can and will. Entrust it, and let go.

Reverse Entropy

NP: Fixing a Hole (The Beatles)
----
After more than a month or "renovating" our rooms, I finally got the chance to arrange all my stuff which has been hanging out on dusty drawers and cabinets for almost two weeks running. And cleaning stuff up is foreign to me and my room, being a guy that tosses his shirt in the general direction of the hamper, not really caring if it hits or misses.

So I cleaned up my room, to the tune of classical music no less ( I mean really, I downloaded a hundred or so files a few nights before). I realized that much of the gunk that I held on to, the ones that you keep just in case you add them, filled up the bin as soon as I lay my hands on them. lecture slides, registration forms, blue books, even the Ninty DS case that was hanging around my room for so long. I kicked out from my room the musty tomes that I have been bringing up when I'm hankering for something to read. What's left are some textbooks, some self-help books, my Arty Fowl hardbound, and a social commentary on the US fast food culture.

After all of those cleared up, I panicked at the sight of trinkets and small stuff scattered all over the place, with nowhere to go. Fortunately, my dad gave me a little basket to store those for the time being.

Well right after cleaning, I realized that my room was not the only place in my life that needed cleanup. The current list are as follows:

1. Something happened between me and bestfriend,and I don't know if I have completely processed it.
2. Same bestfriend and I fought on some matters, and I am getting real tired, real fast.
3. The call center lifestyle is taking a toll on my health , specifically and disturbingly, at my heart.
4. The masters class is proving to be a real charmer, demanding large chunks of time I do not have the liberty using.
5. Relationship with sibling is testy at best, and nonexistent at worst.
6. Same sibling maybe becoming delinquent, and may need assistance from an ex to sort it out.
7. Same ex still makes bestfriend's blood boil (need I point out that bestfriend's feelings aren't exactly platonic?)
8. Finances are in jeopardy as I turned over all of my pay to bestfriend so I can pay for my phone.

Phew, I didn't even realize that the list was that long. And I don't even know why I'm spilling my guts out tonight, telling my woes to probably complete strangers. Maybe, I just want to be listened to.

No matter, I need to sort it out soon enough.

Rest Day Night

Since I cram undergrad, masters and work almost every day, with each impinging on each, my only recourse during times when I am in heat is through porn, be it written or visual. During rest days, I can probably go at it for five or six times (And yes, I was enjoying porn right before I posted this entry).

As a person gifted with a hyperactive imagination, I tend to gravitated towards vividly detailed erotica. And as an empath I stay away from erotica with a back story. Sadly, the most intense scenes are those with the saddest stories. And I sometimes get to read them, as much as I do my best to stay away from them.

One such was the one I read right before I started to write this. It was not as randy as I would like, but I was compelled to finish it for the sole reason of finishing it. Bad move: the ending gave an emotional kicker so hard that a tear or two escaped my eyes.

Yes I got depressed and almost cried because of porn.

Even now I feel the emptiness and sadness inside of me, the intense emotional impact that the story had on me. This was the same reason I do not want to watch features with a lot of drama or emotional stimuli: I get affected too fast, too soon. An hyperactive emotional reserve coupled with an overactive mind is not a good combination when you are sad, but not hurt. You tend to think of the what-might-have-beens, and it makes you want to bawl more. To wish for happy endings where one is offered. To ask for rainbows in a desert; to wish to see a star in a blizzard. And in my case, to hear a voice of a friend, only to face silence and isolation.

And yet, this is not the most devastating effect these have on me. As one sad thought begets another, as wishes lure others in a bitch spiral, they simply can't break through the barrier of my tears. For how many times I have wished for tears to come to lighten my heavy heart but to no avail. So in my heart they stay, awaiting a trigger for release or worse, hardening and forming a barrier against more emotion.

I now feel the negative emotions receding, biding their time. I have lost the ability to cast them aside and smile at the glorious morning.

Does this mean I am more human than before?

Pleading gasp

I feel particularly empty lately.

Between school, work and family, I thought I have more than enough tasks at hand to keep me occupied and satisfied, if for a while. However, I have been given glimpses of other people's lives lately, and I feel that mine's is the only one that is not moving. I see friends, acquaintances, strangers with their lives moving at all imaginable paces, from plodders to sprinters.

And here I am with my life ground to a halt.

I particularly hate this type of existential heartache, as I wanted my life to move forward, even for a while. A mix of jealousy, emptiness and undirected rage: potent enough to wreck any good mood throughout the day, but ineffective enough for any movement to occur.

I need help. Someone to talk to, someone to see. Anything.

FIngersnap

6/26/11, 2am-sh: I lost my phone.

That is not a big news in itself, as I know only a few others that could've been as prone as I am in getting my phone lost or stolen. Actually, if we count all the phones I've "given away", I would not be surprised if we could raise enough money for an Alienware lappie, or at the very least a Vaio.

But then, this particular incident is unique as the other stolen-phone moments did not include a bladed weapon to my neck. Nor did they happen steps away from our gate.

Call me weird though: I'm not mourning its loss. Actually, I'm just hoping they'll just hock it and not meddle with the contents as I do not want anyone else be put into a dangerous situation due to my negligent arrogance. Telling people I lost my phone barely a month after having it is hard enough.

Or better yet, just gimme the damned SIM card.

I know I could've fought them off, but in the end my phone is just a phone. No use getting killed for something you can get next paycheck (which will be discontinued as I am planning to resign from my work).

I'll just think that this was another lesson that I needed to learn, as Someone knows me well enough that I can be particularly stubborn and pigheaded.

Oh well, next question: what is a good phone to get? (Biased on Corby II, so keep it near Corby's price range ^^)

Redonda

Samyo ng hangin sa ating takip-silim
Samyo ng ala-alang buo at wagas
Halimuyak na dala sa aking lilim
Tanda ng pangako, noon, ngayon at bukas


Mga ala-alang dala ng kahapon
Dala'y ngiti sa bawat pahina nito
Mga ala-alang dala ng kahpon
Dala'y luha sa mata, kirot sa puso.


Pangako ng bawat panahong lumipas
Animo'y tanikala sa' 'ting sarili
Pangakong malumanay man o marahas
Marka sa'ting puso'y 'di maitatanggi
---
Anong pangakong naako ang iyong ikinukubli, anong ala-ala ang iyong itinatanggi?
Anong halimuyak ang ayaw mong malanghap? Saang sayaw ka nagpapasintabi?
Tanggapin ang sarili, maganda man o hindi.
Tanggapin ang pakpak; anghel man o demonyong matuturing.
Buuin ang buhay mong tagpi-tagpi.
Tanggapin ang iyong sarili, tama man ito o mali.

Her two cents

My seatmate at church absolutely inspired my to sing.

No, not because she was beautiful, the was a middle-aged woman who seemed to be burdened by care and worry. Not that she sings well, either; if I was a choir master she will never make the cut. Her diction was too hard and her tone was all over the place.

The stunning fact is that in spite of all these things (well, actually the last thing entirely), she still sang with all of her heart and strength. The first time I head her in mass was verrry startling. I usually sing softer when I know my voice isn't optimal. And here she was, belting out the hymns as if her life was depending on it (actually, it does, even for you and me. but that would be another entry altogether). I was starting to feel embarrassed for her, however, when the thought struck me: am I really embarrassed for her? Or was it my pride flaring up?

What a humbling thought.

I realized that for a few moments, I was gloating because I can sing better than her. But we were basically doing the same thing: singing with all of our hearts. Voice-wise, it was all of our two cents. Nothing could beat that, even the most audacious and angelic-voiced choirs. And after realizing that, I found that I could sing with an even more open heart. Therapy and prayer, just the way I like it.

P.S. Bestfriend wasn't able to go to church this time, bled again. Maybe that's why the minister gave me two ostias. Hmmm..

P.P.S Brother wasn't able to go with us three weeks running. Hope he could swing by the next, though he's as touchy as a ripe pimple

SIx Weeks After

It had been six weeks after I swallowed my words and decided to try out the call center industry, I have finished my training and now in probie status. However, ramdam ko na yung toll ng trabahong to sakin, physically,emotionally, socially.

Sabi nga ng mga taong nakakilala sakin, matakaw ako sa tulog kahit naman di kailangan ng katawan ko. Dahil sa pagshift ng pasok ko from 7am, to 8, to 3pm, 10, 11, at finally shifting ng ilang minuto per day, nagmamakaawa lagi ang katawan ko sa tulog. It doesnt help na 6pm palang gising nako kaya wala nako energy right after work. Dagdag mo pa na napapadalas ang kain sa labas kaya nadagdagan ng timbang.

Alam ko na yung sunod na reaction, "Bakit di ka mag gym? May pera ka naman." Well I wanted to, kaya lang sadyang nagbabanggaan ang gusto ko a gusto ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Let's take that damn gym as an example.  Supposedly, inenroll ako sa Gold's ng bestfriend ko  without my knowledge. Okay lang naman, pinalagpas ko na kasi nagplaplano rin naman ako mag enroll(pero sa chipipay lang, bleh. Mahirap na baka di mamaintain ang bayad) Kaso lang, bigla ding binawi dahil napagusapan nila ng mom ko, again  without my consent and/or knowledge. Wow, walang muwang at kaalam-alam sa mundo? Nakakabwisit lang na imbes na subukan ko at ako ang makaalam kung kaya ko o hindi first-hand, eh nagdesisyon agad sila para sakin. Kesyo daw malayo o di ko kakayanin o papasok pako this June, blah blah blah blah blah.

Another thing would be about my pay. Grabe naman, nag-aaral pako pwede wag muna ako amgshoulder ng hindi personal expenses? Di naman ako angdadamot eh, wag niyo lang subukan na kayo magbudget ng sarili kong pera. Langhya parang dapat lagi akong may "other people fund" pag sweldo sa dalas ngt anong ninyo kung may pera pa ako at mga pagpaparamdam na baka maghiram kayo. Amp. Dalawang sweldo paang dumadaan ng lagay na yan.

Mmmm napapasobra na yata rants ko. Ewan wala na kasi akong nakikitang tao maliban sa coworkers ko at pamilya ko. Napakalimited ng lakad ko, mainly due to my propensity to sleep. I feel cut off from the rest, and my wings are getting clipped by the people whom I care for so much. Nakakapagod, minsan namimiss ko yung times na marami akong acquaintance at nakakausap. Ngayon kahit text wala na, wala na kasi ako oras.

I sorely wish for school start to roll, even if I know it will wreck every adjustment that happened before.

Birdwatching

I got a case in point for Rule 34
----
Where: A university along commonwealth
When: Kanina lang, habang enrollment nila (lol)

After almost two months, nagkita kami ni college friend at ng BF niya, lilipat kasi si bf ng school kaya nandun kami. Pero dahil pagkatagaltagaltagal ng enrollment (read: mahabang pila sa physicals ni college friend's bf) nastuck kamis a tapat ng isang building naguusap at nag bo-bo...birdwatching pala. Kakabirdwatch namin, nakabuo na kami ng codes namin to use for the day. Mapapghalataang gutom na kami nito.

1. Happy meal: bata, inosente, walang kamuwang muwang. Yung tipong pag nabuksan mo eh makukuha at makakain mo lahat, pati yung special toy niya.

2. Combo meal: guys na astigin pero may faint blip sa radar mo. Yung tipong pag nakuha mo na, may extra ka pang makakain.

3. Value meal: di naman sa halata, pero amoy. Yung tipong di masyadong mahirap makuha at makain, basta may value ka rin. lol.

4. Nutcracker: kabaliktaran ni value meal, usually may nakakakabit na trophy pero may oh-so-faint chance na baka...ehem. Kaya lang parang ngang nagbabasag ka ng pinainit na nuts sa tigas ng shell nila.

5. Star, megastar, superstar: Wala, di maitago ang ningning. Nakakasilaw sila.

6. Predator: Hunter, usually thunder-type na pokemon sila. Iwsan kung di naman kelangan ng pera at may dignidad kapa.
----

Wala lang, namiss ko lang amgtopak once in a while.hohohoho :)

Guess it was too late

I lost someone very dear to me today, and mostly because of the shit I had put him through.

I know I could've prevented it but I screwed it up with my actions, and the things I forgot and gave little thought to. I didn't realize (or maybe I already did, but I didn't care) that I am hurting him with the things I did, the lies I made, and the promises I didn't keep. If I could turn back time, I would be better. I may not be able to love him as he wanted to, but I will love him as a person of his worth deserves.

I lost a diamond while picking up stones. It hurts.

Pak.

Mahirap pala na nagsakripisyo ka para sa isang bagay tapos ito'y mawawalang saysay

Maikli lang diba?

Bow.

Divine Intervention

And in that moment, all angst melted. Just in time for Holy Week.

---

Maundy Thursday. Almost two weeks ago, I was asked to tell my father that he is to be one of the twelve 'apostles' in tonights washing of the feet in mass. What I didn't know was that each apostle is to bring another person to join them (guess who). That left me scrambling for a quick shower to get to church asap.

Fast forward to the mass -- homily to be exact. The priest's talk revolved around the mandate (hence, Maundy) that Christ left us, which is to love each other. I was struck when he talked about how we should love one another, and not only look out for ourselves. I was rebuked by the Lord no less. I examined my Lent this year and found only conceit and narrow-mindedness, repressed anger and wounded pride. I almost cried from the way I acted towards others and the chances that I had missed to create new memories with the people I cherish. And in that moment, all angst melted. Just in time for Holy Week.

Now as if that wasn't enough, I got another lesson. Remember the washing of the feet thingy? Well the companions of the apostles were supposed to get their feet cleaned (ritualistically) as well. The apostles were supposed to do that after their feet had been cleaned by the priest. Looking at what's happening to the apostles before me, I saw the usual: a bit of water, some soap, little rinsing, a dab of a towel.

Lol if that was all it was.

When it was my father's turn to wash my feet (well, foot. Ritualistic remember?), he showed me there was a tiny bit of detail that I didn't see.

He kissed my foot.

Knowing that he will kiss the foot of his companion, my father chose me. Not my mom, not my sister, not my brother. Me.

The twin of the divine slap just came, and I am grateful for the experience it brought.

I'm more than grateful to my father, feeling the love and respect that he has towards me.

And know I feel like crying. Happily.

The First Day

Today was the first day of training. Weird, being with people I don't know really gave me the confidence I needed to interact with them. Without the people I cling for support, I see my full potential

Can it be that the people I depend on are the ones holding me down?

Or am I weighing myself down so I can stay?

May I Make a Major Depression Right Now

I think I just received the biggest fuck you I could get this year.

A few days ago: I asked A how was his grad preparations were (I'm still lacking 8 units due to sheer stupidity, so I want Batch 2011). A said they were well, so I followed up by asking "when's the party?" (it was just the previous night). After that he asked me to be his sub bf since his real bf is not much of a party-goer (am not as well) and I said yes, thinking that it would just be a small get-together (since I did ask him when will HIS party be)

Turns out, he invited me to the Engineering grad ball. Now, for a frustrated graduate who almost successfully dodged the grad-related hoopla since it still hurts like a biatch, getting unknowingly invited into the graduate's celebration can be ranked as the best bitchslap I can take.


 Di ko na kinayang pumasok, ang sakit isiping dapat kasama din akong nagsasaya sa loob dahil natapos ko na ang kolehiyo. Ang isiping kailangan ko pa ng labingdalawang buwan ulit bago ko makung ang lecheng diplomang yan, yung diplomang di ko alam kung maabutan ng mga taong pagaalayan kong ito. Ang makitang may nagbabago na sa buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sayo, at naiiwan kana. At makita ang sarili mong di parin nagbabago, nakatali sa mga tanikalang ikaw rin mismo ang may akda.


Kaya para sayo A, kahit ngayon lang, tang ina mo. Di mo alam kung anong ginawa mo.

Basta ako,
nagemo,
stinalk,
may ginawa,
umuwi,
ginawan,
at nagrant.

Maaga pako mamaya, sa buhay na di ko alam ay haharapin ko pala.

Counselling 1 of 2

I didn't even realize that all this shit happened and I didn't get to post a peep. Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Emotional Roller Coaster Deluxe.

Let's start with Friday. Last Friday, I'm prepping to go to QC to get my training schedule. That left most of my morning (I'm forcing myself to sleep less) for surf, relax and lounge around. When I opened my browsers for my usual social networks (FB, PR, etc), my best friend went downstairs to the living room (best friend lost his keys last Tuesday, so he's rooming with us while his landlady's on vacation) and chatted with me. I stood up to take a shower, shutting down my laptop as well as all the browsers. So my best friend saw the other window that I used when I surf PR.

Bad decision.

I felt the change in atmosphere almost immediately, and the gaze that he gave to me has hardened substantially. I know that he knows about my PR and I thought he was okay with it (best friend wants to level it up, if you catch my drift), but noooooooooooooooooo, I'm in for a full bitch moment.

I went up to my room to nudge best friend cause we need to go by 11am to get to get there at the appointed time, 12. And I see him in my bed, sulking and saying "Mauna ka na, di na ako sasama". He even tried to hurt himself (reminds me of my ex, leche) and I ended up trying to pacify him, forcing us to leave the house past 1230. I was forced to cancel a meet up with a friend just to calm him down. Crap.

So we went there, very civil-like, and I went on with what I needed to do, i.e.: Explain why am I getting my schedule two hours after the prescribed time and pass some requirements. Around this time, another friend was badgering me on my whereabouts, since I asked him to meet me as well. I told him best friend was outside so he can go with him in the meantime. When I got to get out of the building, they were talking about something serious -- I can see it from the way they huddle suspiciously and stop when they saw me.

To cut things short, the told me that I'm hurting people (Read: best friend) because of two things: 1) My PR account and 2) My texting. So they asked me to delete my PR account, which was okay with me -- it's getting harder to find people that will just chat with you nowadays. After that, the three of us spent a normal afternoon malling and going places (with another spectacular green-eye moment) then my best friend left for work.

Now that there are only the two of us, I can rant everything, including the fact that I had a good case of BV when my friend and his boyfriend started pushing my best friend to take it to the next level. Another thing was that my best friend was acting like we're a couple, making demands well above and beyond the "best friend" designation. This is doubly unsettling since my best friend and my recent ex have uncannily similar personalities, so I felt that I didn't really end the relationship: the pressure's still there.The two of us had a long talk about it (and other stuff) and he apologized for the aforementioned intrusion.

So we both went home, with me thinking that the worst has come to pass.

Yeah right.

Intramoment

Sa maituturing kong unang gala after ng breakup, sumama ako sa friend kong magpunta ng school nia para magayos ng clearance. Mga 2pm kami nakarating eh sabi 5pm pa daw pwede kaya nag SM Manila muna kami. Partida, heto yung unang moment in years na nakagala ulit ako sa walls ng Intramuros, habang nagdadaldalan kami at nagcacatchup (di kasi kami nagkita for around 5 months). Pagdating ng SM, dada at lakad lang kami, konting psych session bout sa takot inability niyang makapagcommit ng matagal. DI namin narealize na 1.5 hours na pala kmai naglalakad (saya kasi). Kaya naupos sa may cinema at nagdaldalan ulit. Natuwa naman si friend kasi mas may nakausap daw siya ng ganun (kasi daw sa section nila apat lang silang di virgin, huwaaat?!graduating class ito mind)

Nung nagutom, derechong greenwich. Isa lang napansin namin, kasapi ang mga servers sa samahan! Hahaha hinuhuli nga ngamin ng tingin yung isa kasi cute, ngiti lang sinasagot (makakain ng sa greenwich ng madalas hahahaha). Tapos balik school niya para dun sa clearance.

Pagdating sa office, hay lahat ng nandun eh kung hindi may tendency, eh bali ka. Buti nalang cute yung members ng student council. Eh gago tong kasama ko itinutulak akong kilalanin sila kuya council, natorpe ako! Hahahahaha

Owell baka bumalik naman kami dun, sana sakto sa training sked ko. Gusto ko ulit matry ang swerte. Hohoho

Pag wala talaga magawa

Sa mga oras na to, papunta/nakarating na ang kapatid ko sa China. At dahil sa pagiging bitchy bastard niya these past few weeks, eh isa lang mahihiling ko:

BWAKANANG BATA KA, TAMAAN SANA NG MALAMIG NA HANGIN YANG KUKOTE MO NG MAAYOS NAMAN NG KAUNTI! LECHUGAS, PARANG WALA KANG PAMILYA EH. KUNG DI KA TALABAN NG FREEZING TEMPERATURES NG CHINA EH MASAPAK KA DIYA SA PAG-AANGAS MO! MAKALOG LANG YANG ULO MO NG KAUNTI.

There. Pero Asa (oye, capital A) naman ako. baka makakuha lang yan ng bagong fans sa China considering na kamuha daw niya ito

...at ito (eto mas recent, ginagaya nga ni kumag eh)

...kung di lang talaga kita mahal, nagulpi na kita.

Leche.

Deterrents - The Morning(s) After

Sometimes, life deals you a hand so crappy you just want to throw it away and never play again. For example, getting into a major argument with your best friend (quite possibly leading to him moving somewhere else just not to see me) and getting a hit in the NBI database (which may be so-so if not for the fact that I may be the one in the blacklist due to a contract signed eight years ago) in the span of 24 hours is usually enough to get me in a state of anger warranting a pair of sticks and a very sturdy set of tires.

But now, I actually played the idea of downing the arsenic lying in my desk (that vial in the last post was 5 grams arsenic chloride -- a poison with a lethal dose of 250-400 milligrams)

Since past 27 days were not normal.

Twenty-seven days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up -- on our monthsary. Everyone around me that knew of the relationship congratulated me, considering that they thought I gave up too much of myself and still not get the feeling that my partner was satisfied with my sacrifices. I, on the other hand, was seething with anger I didn't know was dwelling in me all this time. I was angry at him for not holding on to us at the time I cannot do so. For demanding me to basically change from regular me into his dream boyfriend who will carry him of to the sunset. For ardently wishing to destroy my world so that I'll be in his. But more than that, I was angry at myself for letting things deteriorate this far.

It didn't help two hours after the breakup, he texted me asking if we could give it another chance. True, I called him and we talked. He even chided that we didn't get to talk that much 'before' (of course I didn't, he wants us to talk all day already). But, the truth was I was just patronizing him. I cringed every time he says 'mahal ko' and 'I love you'. Not that I don't want to hear those things from him, but the fact he carelessly threw those phrases during the conversation after we broke up was nerve-shattering. I felt like a yo-yo thrown away and then pulled back, or a family pet that is savagely beaten, only to be cuddled after.

'Twas Monday, so I asked him until Friday for me to decide if I am going back. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were complete and utter hell. He still texts me as if nothing happened, complete with the sweet nothings and the constant texts and calls. So on Wednesday, I asked him to stop,  hindi kami kaya walang paglulugaran ang mga pinagsasabi niya. Fortunately he did stop texting, but by then my mind was deadened to any emotion towards him. I still can't bring myself to say that there would be no more chances. But I had started calling him ex. Fuck me. 


Friday came and went without a decision, the weekend too. Monday bore a big surprise: he decided to leave for Dubai. Okay it's not a surprise, I was following his plurks, which is the surefire way for me to glean information off of him. I learned that little tidbit, as well as he met with someone and spent the night with him. I know who the bastard was, he was the grandson of a previous mayor of our city who eyed my ex before we got together (yes, my ex's family lines had influence, most of them having a soft spot for jewels, gold and watches). Actually, he (and his Arab boyfriend) never did quite stop pursuing my ex. But seeing that post (which combined the admission of acrobatics with the declaration of never-ending love for me) made me sick to my heart. I thought he'd stay true while I thought about us. Oh well.

The next Wednesday rolled with him briefly going to our house, leaving his passport, his supposed E-ticket for Dubai, and a long white polo for my brother (that last item brought additional heartaches for me and my family, but that's another story). I said supposed because when I bothered to open the piece of trash paper, it showed a Manila-Singapore-Dubai flight plan -- in reverse. Putang ina naman, ako nagfoforge ng school documents mo, sana medyo inayos mo yung pagaalter ng E-ticket mo. By that time, it was already Friday and I know that he was not really planning to go anywhere (thanks to his texts and plurks).

And by that time, I made up my mind.

No more chances. And I'm not going to tell you.

White Power Game

I keep this vial of white powder in my desk, 24/7, as s silent reminder. Care to guess what's in it?

Migrations

A little over a week ago, I stumbled upon my wordpress account and started blogging there. It was supposed to be a digital diary of sorts, something to keep the insanity at bay.

However, I can't stop looking around the blogosphere, looking at posts, chancing up on a worthwhile comment. I needed others, especially now.

The bonds I created are falling apart, and I vaguely understand why.

So I decided to move here, just in case people might notice and share a spark or two.

If you want to look at what I started with, it's here