Inertial Pull

Kung lagi kang mababatuhan ng "ikaw talaga yung 'di nagbago sa 'tin" phrase in at least two or three sets of contacts, it starts to get a little bit disturbing, and all the more depressing.

Recently, I've found myself in an never-ending hamster's wheel. Each episode in my recent times is vaguely reminiscent of previous memories. It's like right before that most pivotal moment, everything reverts to the beginning, with each actor oblivious to the con.

All except me. Sometimes.

It's easy to "just get by" to every day. Blind to the ramifications each of your actions will take. Take  the phrase "whatever will be, will be" to its most extreme form. To be too proud to procrastinate everything on the grand delusion that everything will magically be rectified.

I wish for a life "happily ever after", an ideal where everything did turn out well, where I will be able to live life without sacrificing anything. Truthfully, I tried make that dream a reality, foolish child I was and am. To purchase the happiness of the people around you with bits and pieces of yourself, and then tax them when you find the absence too high a price to bear.

I have always known that my life is to be at the sidelines, an ever-watching witness to the story of other people's travails. However, would it be too selfish to ask for a small piece of the sky and a small patch of light for me to see as well?

Changes

First off, thank You for the effort you've directed into my page. Much appreciated :D
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It's been a few days/weeks after my last convo with Bestfriend. Personally, I don't want to see him again in the near future, though I believe I'll meet him sooner rather than later. Interestingly, this tirade might have caused a flurry of changes I want to put into effect. It just felt like for more than a year, I've been putting my best foot forward into walking gaily in pace.  An illusion of perpetual movement blinded me to the adverse effects of my entropic state.

I wish for this to change.

But change is scary, and tiresome.

Maybe this line of thought was the reason for the illusion to persist. I need to move to break the bonds and reform them. Chase the shadows and accept them. To bear the truth. To pay the price.

Methinks Kiro will be an active blogger soon :P

Other people

It has come to my attention that the moments that I needed other people to be there had been more frequent as of late. However, it also seems that the very people that I wanted to be there isn't just there. And, more alarmingly, it seems that their absence will become more or less permanent.

I have developed quite a phobia from people walking away, leaving an empty life full of half-forgotten memories. I've been through a lot of those that I think that part of the reason that I have just made up a wall of rationalization and smugness. That people come, that people may stay, that people may go. That I have been comfortable with any group of people just because I'm thankful for the warmth that dispels the coldness of solitude.

"It might be conceded to mathematicians that four is twice two, but I can say that two is not twice one. It is one thousand times one."

-The man who was Tuesday, paraphrased.

I must admit that there are few people that are very close to me, however that has been a bit on the rocks lately (read: hidden desires and barely-masked demands). I want to rekindle the circles that I left, but it is a bit awkward to make past and present collide, inasmuch as you keep friends apart: one will see another side of you that you are keen of hiding to the other person because said friends will think a lot differently (and most of the time, less) of you.

Painful, to say the least.

The yearning to start over has been there a couple of times, but I know I cannot undo bad endings, I can only use them to create better beginnings. And for that, I asked to courage to be who I am, who I need to be, without pain made inutile of the countless masks that we wear.