On Exes

It's really a strange set of people to interact with, exes. Like one of my HS friends said, even if the ugly has faded into the background and your regard each other as friends, there is always that something when you're in each other's company. A shadow of the flame. Or a vestige of what one was. Or that lilting feeling when you traipse around shared times, places and experiences.

I've always kept some form of communication with past loves, striving to recover the friendship that would be inevitably tarnished after a breakup (So far, I've been moderately successful). But this most recent meetup with the most recent ex was a bit jarring. What was supposed to be a request for a companion evolved into a day-long date of sorts. The pain that it exudes is quite exquisite: mix the pang of isolation with the joy of familiarity, sprinkled with affection and with a generously helping of treks down memory lane. To see a friend, turned into a lover, but not quite yet reverted back to a friend.

I know that this feeling that I have is not exactly romantic love, not is it platonic. This is the sum total of all that has happened between us, of something special that has been let go but remains with us still. And I have to admit that what we had was special, though I never wanted to partake of it again.

I must recognize this fact, and learn from it, and to keep what can be kept.