As a person gifted with a hyperactive imagination, I tend to gravitated towards vividly detailed erotica. And as an empath I stay away from erotica with a back story. Sadly, the most intense scenes are those with the saddest stories. And I sometimes get to read them, as much as I do my best to stay away from them.
One such was the one I read right before I started to write this. It was not as randy as I would like, but I was compelled to finish it for the sole reason of finishing it. Bad move: the ending gave an emotional kicker so hard that a tear or two escaped my eyes.
Yes I got depressed and almost cried because of porn.
Even now I feel the emptiness and sadness inside of me, the intense emotional impact that the story had on me. This was the same reason I do not want to watch features with a lot of drama or emotional stimuli: I get affected too fast, too soon. An hyperactive emotional reserve coupled with an overactive mind is not a good combination when you are sad, but not hurt. You tend to think of the what-might-have-beens, and it makes you want to bawl more. To wish for happy endings where one is offered. To ask for rainbows in a desert; to wish to see a star in a blizzard. And in my case, to hear a voice of a friend, only to face silence and isolation.
And yet, this is not the most devastating effect these have on me. As one sad thought begets another, as wishes lure others in a bitch spiral, they simply can't break through the barrier of my tears. For how many times I have wished for tears to come to lighten my heavy heart but to no avail. So in my heart they stay, awaiting a trigger for release or worse, hardening and forming a barrier against more emotion.
I now feel the negative emotions receding, biding their time. I have lost the ability to cast them aside and smile at the glorious morning.
Does this mean I am more human than before?
3 axon connections:
You just desire to feel more. :)
Thanks for the pull to follow me. I reckon you are going on a crisis right now. Well, Joe actually mentioned you once, told me you lost a phone, didn't you? What I mean is, it all works together. Pressure plus emotion is not a good combination. You got to be off the clear and try considering lessening the burden, like quitting work.
@Mugen: True, too much constraints on what and how should I feel.
@James: You're welcome. And yes, you could say I have an ongoing existential crisis. Actually, resigning is part of my plan if school proves to require additional time, as I don't need to work yet. Thanks for the heads-up though, and I hope you and Josh the best today can give. :)
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