2.4.15

On Journeys

Maundy Thursday entails the tradition of Visita Iglesia among the Filipino faithful. Now just don't ask me why do we do it - I'll just mumble something about tradition and ask you if you do have any ideas.

Having started this practice last 2010/2011, suffice to say it's a new thing in our family. And like all new things, I am completely averse to the idea of being dragged to different churches to stay for not more than ten minutes each. Nevertheless, it provided me a chance to offer prayers in each church...also an inward journey of my own.

At first, I was offering my prayers to anyone that would need them - a friend, a relative, a stranger. While we go to more locations, there were subtle shifts in what I ask. From passive intercession, I began to ask to be the conduit of said intercession. By the fourth church, I am already asking for the strength and fortitude to be said vessel.

I guess in some way, I understand what my prayer needed and have been asking for that particular thing onto the next church. By the last church, I asked for understanding not of my life, but of my death (No, I do not have a death wish). I felt that understanding it would help me understand my life and purpose, as well as remove any fears of dying in order to fully help others.

In a way, this particular Visita helped me understand my own mortal journey a little bit more. I realized that I'm anxious (but not afraid) of dying since I do not know anything that happens after, I'm terrified of leaving people behind, hurt due to my death, and afraid that I will be forgotten quickly. 

Maybe you're thinking that I'll finish this saying that I know now what to do, of what the next steps will entail. Thank your lucky stars we're not betting anything, since I'm still at a loss of how to move forward regarding this. My heart is still hurt from recent experiences of being left out of something I thought I was a part of, and still trying to be a part of. I still have no idea how to keep my treasured people near my heart while not squeezing the life out of them. I still don't know the path that I want inside and outside my work. I honestly feel the inertia sucking my very essence into the doldrums of my soul.

I would rather find the end of myself being battered by the violent wave rather than merging with the mirror-smooth sea.

I just hope I know how.

2.1.13

On History


It's something I made for my sister, but I was struck with the gravity of what I wrote that I need to keep a copy for myself to slap with every so often.
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...it is important to understand that the different ‘ages’ are marked by developments in Philippine culture and history, rather than specific dates. The evidence left behind in prehistory gives us a glimpse of life and times of the people in that era. The shift from the crude, jagged Paleolithic blade to the smooth, shiny Neolothic one was an event that occurred in infinitesimal steps, not one that can be pinned down to a specific date and time

That being said, we can extend that line of thinking to events beyond Philippine history, both past and present. That the Spaniards discovered the Philippine Islands still stands whether we say they discovered it in 1512 or 1513 is irrelevant the overall : what matters is that the event happened in a specific point in our history, created by infinitesimal events and created a multitude of events itself – each fixed only in its relationships with other events.

Moreover, what we gleefully ignore when we think of history as an event that happened on a specific date is that we are creating history as we speak. All of our thoughts, words and actions contribute to what will be perceived as history, may it concern those close to us or shake the consciousness of many. All it takes for something momentous to happen is for enough people to move in a certain way, our own People Power have shown this as truth. Now the only remaining question remaining is this: what history are we going to create for ourselves?
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What history will I create for myself? Will I look back and smile? Or will I cringe at the destruction my actions have taken me? Only my decisions at which paths to take will decide, and in the end, I hope to say to myself, "What you wrote ain't too shabby, not too shabby at all."