On Journeys

Maundy Thursday entails the tradition of Visita Iglesia among the Filipino faithful. Now just don't ask me why do we do it - I'll just mumble something about tradition and ask you if you do have any ideas.

Having started this practice last 2010/2011, suffice to say it's a new thing in our family. And like all new things, I am completely averse to the idea of being dragged to different churches to stay for not more than ten minutes each. Nevertheless, it provided me a chance to offer prayers in each church...also an inward journey of my own.

At first, I was offering my prayers to anyone that would need them - a friend, a relative, a stranger. While we go to more locations, there were subtle shifts in what I ask. From passive intercession, I began to ask to be the conduit of said intercession. By the fourth church, I am already asking for the strength and fortitude to be said vessel.

I guess in some way, I understand what my prayer needed and have been asking for that particular thing onto the next church. By the last church, I asked for understanding not of my life, but of my death (No, I do not have a death wish). I felt that understanding it would help me understand my life and purpose, as well as remove any fears of dying in order to fully help others.

In a way, this particular Visita helped me understand my own mortal journey a little bit more. I realized that I'm anxious (but not afraid) of dying since I do not know anything that happens after, I'm terrified of leaving people behind, hurt due to my death, and afraid that I will be forgotten quickly. 

Maybe you're thinking that I'll finish this saying that I know now what to do, of what the next steps will entail. Thank your lucky stars we're not betting anything, since I'm still at a loss of how to move forward regarding this. My heart is still hurt from recent experiences of being left out of something I thought I was a part of, and still trying to be a part of. I still have no idea how to keep my treasured people near my heart while not squeezing the life out of them. I still don't know the path that I want inside and outside my work. I honestly feel the inertia sucking my very essence into the doldrums of my soul.

I would rather find the end of myself being battered by the violent wave rather than merging with the mirror-smooth sea.

I just hope I know how.