Pleading gasp

I feel particularly empty lately.

Between school, work and family, I thought I have more than enough tasks at hand to keep me occupied and satisfied, if for a while. However, I have been given glimpses of other people's lives lately, and I feel that mine's is the only one that is not moving. I see friends, acquaintances, strangers with their lives moving at all imaginable paces, from plodders to sprinters.

And here I am with my life ground to a halt.

I particularly hate this type of existential heartache, as I wanted my life to move forward, even for a while. A mix of jealousy, emptiness and undirected rage: potent enough to wreck any good mood throughout the day, but ineffective enough for any movement to occur.

I need help. Someone to talk to, someone to see. Anything.

FIngersnap

6/26/11, 2am-sh: I lost my phone.

That is not a big news in itself, as I know only a few others that could've been as prone as I am in getting my phone lost or stolen. Actually, if we count all the phones I've "given away", I would not be surprised if we could raise enough money for an Alienware lappie, or at the very least a Vaio.

But then, this particular incident is unique as the other stolen-phone moments did not include a bladed weapon to my neck. Nor did they happen steps away from our gate.

Call me weird though: I'm not mourning its loss. Actually, I'm just hoping they'll just hock it and not meddle with the contents as I do not want anyone else be put into a dangerous situation due to my negligent arrogance. Telling people I lost my phone barely a month after having it is hard enough.

Or better yet, just gimme the damned SIM card.

I know I could've fought them off, but in the end my phone is just a phone. No use getting killed for something you can get next paycheck (which will be discontinued as I am planning to resign from my work).

I'll just think that this was another lesson that I needed to learn, as Someone knows me well enough that I can be particularly stubborn and pigheaded.

Oh well, next question: what is a good phone to get? (Biased on Corby II, so keep it near Corby's price range ^^)

Redonda

Samyo ng hangin sa ating takip-silim
Samyo ng ala-alang buo at wagas
Halimuyak na dala sa aking lilim
Tanda ng pangako, noon, ngayon at bukas


Mga ala-alang dala ng kahapon
Dala'y ngiti sa bawat pahina nito
Mga ala-alang dala ng kahpon
Dala'y luha sa mata, kirot sa puso.


Pangako ng bawat panahong lumipas
Animo'y tanikala sa' 'ting sarili
Pangakong malumanay man o marahas
Marka sa'ting puso'y 'di maitatanggi
---
Anong pangakong naako ang iyong ikinukubli, anong ala-ala ang iyong itinatanggi?
Anong halimuyak ang ayaw mong malanghap? Saang sayaw ka nagpapasintabi?
Tanggapin ang sarili, maganda man o hindi.
Tanggapin ang pakpak; anghel man o demonyong matuturing.
Buuin ang buhay mong tagpi-tagpi.
Tanggapin ang iyong sarili, tama man ito o mali.

Her two cents

My seatmate at church absolutely inspired my to sing.

No, not because she was beautiful, the was a middle-aged woman who seemed to be burdened by care and worry. Not that she sings well, either; if I was a choir master she will never make the cut. Her diction was too hard and her tone was all over the place.

The stunning fact is that in spite of all these things (well, actually the last thing entirely), she still sang with all of her heart and strength. The first time I head her in mass was verrry startling. I usually sing softer when I know my voice isn't optimal. And here she was, belting out the hymns as if her life was depending on it (actually, it does, even for you and me. but that would be another entry altogether). I was starting to feel embarrassed for her, however, when the thought struck me: am I really embarrassed for her? Or was it my pride flaring up?

What a humbling thought.

I realized that for a few moments, I was gloating because I can sing better than her. But we were basically doing the same thing: singing with all of our hearts. Voice-wise, it was all of our two cents. Nothing could beat that, even the most audacious and angelic-voiced choirs. And after realizing that, I found that I could sing with an even more open heart. Therapy and prayer, just the way I like it.

P.S. Bestfriend wasn't able to go to church this time, bled again. Maybe that's why the minister gave me two ostias. Hmmm..

P.P.S Brother wasn't able to go with us three weeks running. Hope he could swing by the next, though he's as touchy as a ripe pimple

SIx Weeks After

It had been six weeks after I swallowed my words and decided to try out the call center industry, I have finished my training and now in probie status. However, ramdam ko na yung toll ng trabahong to sakin, physically,emotionally, socially.

Sabi nga ng mga taong nakakilala sakin, matakaw ako sa tulog kahit naman di kailangan ng katawan ko. Dahil sa pagshift ng pasok ko from 7am, to 8, to 3pm, 10, 11, at finally shifting ng ilang minuto per day, nagmamakaawa lagi ang katawan ko sa tulog. It doesnt help na 6pm palang gising nako kaya wala nako energy right after work. Dagdag mo pa na napapadalas ang kain sa labas kaya nadagdagan ng timbang.

Alam ko na yung sunod na reaction, "Bakit di ka mag gym? May pera ka naman." Well I wanted to, kaya lang sadyang nagbabanggaan ang gusto ko a gusto ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Let's take that damn gym as an example.  Supposedly, inenroll ako sa Gold's ng bestfriend ko  without my knowledge. Okay lang naman, pinalagpas ko na kasi nagplaplano rin naman ako mag enroll(pero sa chipipay lang, bleh. Mahirap na baka di mamaintain ang bayad) Kaso lang, bigla ding binawi dahil napagusapan nila ng mom ko, again  without my consent and/or knowledge. Wow, walang muwang at kaalam-alam sa mundo? Nakakabwisit lang na imbes na subukan ko at ako ang makaalam kung kaya ko o hindi first-hand, eh nagdesisyon agad sila para sakin. Kesyo daw malayo o di ko kakayanin o papasok pako this June, blah blah blah blah blah.

Another thing would be about my pay. Grabe naman, nag-aaral pako pwede wag muna ako amgshoulder ng hindi personal expenses? Di naman ako angdadamot eh, wag niyo lang subukan na kayo magbudget ng sarili kong pera. Langhya parang dapat lagi akong may "other people fund" pag sweldo sa dalas ngt anong ninyo kung may pera pa ako at mga pagpaparamdam na baka maghiram kayo. Amp. Dalawang sweldo paang dumadaan ng lagay na yan.

Mmmm napapasobra na yata rants ko. Ewan wala na kasi akong nakikitang tao maliban sa coworkers ko at pamilya ko. Napakalimited ng lakad ko, mainly due to my propensity to sleep. I feel cut off from the rest, and my wings are getting clipped by the people whom I care for so much. Nakakapagod, minsan namimiss ko yung times na marami akong acquaintance at nakakausap. Ngayon kahit text wala na, wala na kasi ako oras.

I sorely wish for school start to roll, even if I know it will wreck every adjustment that happened before.