Mahirap pala na nagsakripisyo ka para sa isang bagay tapos ito'y mawawalang saysay
Maikli lang diba?
Bow.
29.4.11
21.4.11
Divine Intervention
And in that moment, all angst melted. Just in time for Holy Week.
---
Maundy Thursday. Almost two weeks ago, I was asked to tell my father that he is to be one of the twelve 'apostles' in tonights washing of the feet in mass. What I didn't know was that each apostle is to bring another person to join them (guess who). That left me scrambling for a quick shower to get to church asap.
Fast forward to the mass -- homily to be exact. The priest's talk revolved around the mandate (hence, Maundy) that Christ left us, which is to love each other. I was struck when he talked about how we should love one another, and not only look out for ourselves. I was rebuked by the Lord no less. I examined my Lent this year and found only conceit and narrow-mindedness, repressed anger and wounded pride. I almost cried from the way I acted towards others and the chances that I had missed to create new memories with the people I cherish. And in that moment, all angst melted. Just in time for Holy Week.
Now as if that wasn't enough, I got another lesson. Remember the washing of the feet thingy? Well the companions of the apostles were supposed to get their feet cleaned (ritualistically) as well. The apostles were supposed to do that after their feet had been cleaned by the priest. Looking at what's happening to the apostles before me, I saw the usual: a bit of water, some soap, little rinsing, a dab of a towel.
Lol if that was all it was.
When it was my father's turn to wash my feet (well, foot. Ritualistic remember?), he showed me there was a tiny bit of detail that I didn't see.
He kissed my foot.
Knowing that he will kiss the foot of his companion, my father chose me. Not my mom, not my sister, not my brother. Me.
The twin of the divine slap just came, and I am grateful for the experience it brought.
I'm more than grateful to my father, feeling the love and respect that he has towards me.
And know I feel like crying. Happily.
19.4.11
The First Day
Today was the first day of training. Weird, being with people I don't know really gave me the confidence I needed to interact with them. Without the people I cling for support, I see my full potential
Can it be that the people I depend on are the ones holding me down?
Or am I weighing myself down so I can stay?
Can it be that the people I depend on are the ones holding me down?
Or am I weighing myself down so I can stay?
18.4.11
May I Make a Major Depression Right Now
I think I just received the biggest fuck you I could get this year.
A few days ago: I asked A how was his grad preparations were (I'm still lacking 8 units due to sheer stupidity, so I want Batch 2011). A said they were well, so I followed up by asking "when's the party?" (it was just the previous night). After that he asked me to be his sub bf since his real bf is not much of a party-goer (am not as well) and I said yes, thinking that it would just be a small get-together (since I did ask him when will HIS party be)
Turns out, he invited me to the Engineering grad ball. Now, for a frustrated graduate who almost successfully dodged the grad-related hoopla since it still hurts like a biatch, getting unknowingly invited into the graduate's celebration can be ranked as the best bitchslap I can take.
Di ko na kinayang pumasok, ang sakit isiping dapat kasama din akong nagsasaya sa loob dahil natapos ko na ang kolehiyo. Ang isiping kailangan ko pa ng labingdalawang buwan ulit bago ko makung ang lecheng diplomang yan, yung diplomang di ko alam kung maabutan ng mga taong pagaalayan kong ito. Ang makitang may nagbabago na sa buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sayo, at naiiwan kana. At makita ang sarili mong di parin nagbabago, nakatali sa mga tanikalang ikaw rin mismo ang may akda.
Kaya para sayo A, kahit ngayon lang, tang ina mo. Di mo alam kung anong ginawa mo.
Basta ako,
nagemo,
stinalk,
may ginawa,
umuwi,
ginawan,
at nagrant.
Maaga pako mamaya, sa buhay na di ko alam ay haharapin ko pala.
A few days ago: I asked A how was his grad preparations were (I'm still lacking 8 units due to sheer stupidity, so I want Batch 2011). A said they were well, so I followed up by asking "when's the party?" (it was just the previous night). After that he asked me to be his sub bf since his real bf is not much of a party-goer (am not as well) and I said yes, thinking that it would just be a small get-together (since I did ask him when will HIS party be)
Turns out, he invited me to the Engineering grad ball. Now, for a frustrated graduate who almost successfully dodged the grad-related hoopla since it still hurts like a biatch, getting unknowingly invited into the graduate's celebration can be ranked as the best bitchslap I can take.
Di ko na kinayang pumasok, ang sakit isiping dapat kasama din akong nagsasaya sa loob dahil natapos ko na ang kolehiyo. Ang isiping kailangan ko pa ng labingdalawang buwan ulit bago ko makung ang lecheng diplomang yan, yung diplomang di ko alam kung maabutan ng mga taong pagaalayan kong ito. Ang makitang may nagbabago na sa buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sayo, at naiiwan kana. At makita ang sarili mong di parin nagbabago, nakatali sa mga tanikalang ikaw rin mismo ang may akda.
Kaya para sayo A, kahit ngayon lang, tang ina mo. Di mo alam kung anong ginawa mo.
Basta ako,
nagemo,
stinalk,
may ginawa,
umuwi,
ginawan,
at nagrant.
Maaga pako mamaya, sa buhay na di ko alam ay haharapin ko pala.
16.4.11
Counselling 1 of 2
I didn't even realize that all this shit happened and I didn't get to post a peep. Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Emotional Roller Coaster Deluxe.
Let's start with Friday. Last Friday, I'm prepping to go to QC to get my training schedule. That left most of my morning (I'm forcing myself to sleep less) for surf, relax and lounge around. When I opened my browsers for my usual social networks (FB, PR, etc), my best friend went downstairs to the living room (best friend lost his keys last Tuesday, so he's rooming with us while his landlady's on vacation) and chatted with me. I stood up to take a shower, shutting down my laptop as well as all the browsers. So my best friend saw the other window that I used when I surf PR.
Bad decision.
I felt the change in atmosphere almost immediately, and the gaze that he gave to me has hardened substantially. I know that he knows about my PR and I thought he was okay with it (best friend wants to level it up, if you catch my drift), but noooooooooooooooooo, I'm in for a full bitch moment.
I went up to my room to nudge best friend cause we need to go by 11am to get to get there at the appointed time, 12. And I see him in my bed, sulking and saying "Mauna ka na, di na ako sasama". He even tried to hurt himself (reminds me of my ex, leche) and I ended up trying to pacify him, forcing us to leave the house past 1230. I was forced to cancel a meet up with a friend just to calm him down. Crap.
So we went there, very civil-like, and I went on with what I needed to do, i.e.: Explain why am I getting my schedule two hours after the prescribed time and pass some requirements. Around this time, another friend was badgering me on my whereabouts, since I asked him to meet me as well. I told him best friend was outside so he can go with him in the meantime. When I got to get out of the building, they were talking about something serious -- I can see it from the way they huddle suspiciously and stop when they saw me.
To cut things short, the told me that I'm hurting people (Read: best friend) because of two things: 1) My PR account and 2) My texting. So they asked me to delete my PR account, which was okay with me -- it's getting harder to find people that will just chat with you nowadays. After that, the three of us spent a normal afternoon malling and going places (with another spectacular green-eye moment) then my best friend left for work.
Now that there are only the two of us, I can rant everything, including the fact that I had a good case of BV when my friend and his boyfriend started pushing my best friend to take it to the next level. Another thing was that my best friend was acting like we're a couple, making demands well above and beyond the "best friend" designation. This is doubly unsettling since my best friend and my recent ex have uncannily similar personalities, so I felt that I didn't really end the relationship: the pressure's still there.The two of us had a long talk about it (and other stuff) and he apologized for the aforementioned intrusion.
So we both went home, with me thinking that the worst has come to pass.
Yeah right.
Let's start with Friday. Last Friday, I'm prepping to go to QC to get my training schedule. That left most of my morning (I'm forcing myself to sleep less) for surf, relax and lounge around. When I opened my browsers for my usual social networks (FB, PR, etc), my best friend went downstairs to the living room (best friend lost his keys last Tuesday, so he's rooming with us while his landlady's on vacation) and chatted with me. I stood up to take a shower, shutting down my laptop as well as all the browsers. So my best friend saw the other window that I used when I surf PR.
Bad decision.
I felt the change in atmosphere almost immediately, and the gaze that he gave to me has hardened substantially. I know that he knows about my PR and I thought he was okay with it (best friend wants to level it up, if you catch my drift), but noooooooooooooooooo, I'm in for a full bitch moment.
I went up to my room to nudge best friend cause we need to go by 11am to get to get there at the appointed time, 12. And I see him in my bed, sulking and saying "Mauna ka na, di na ako sasama". He even tried to hurt himself (reminds me of my ex, leche) and I ended up trying to pacify him, forcing us to leave the house past 1230. I was forced to cancel a meet up with a friend just to calm him down. Crap.
So we went there, very civil-like, and I went on with what I needed to do, i.e.: Explain why am I getting my schedule two hours after the prescribed time and pass some requirements. Around this time, another friend was badgering me on my whereabouts, since I asked him to meet me as well. I told him best friend was outside so he can go with him in the meantime. When I got to get out of the building, they were talking about something serious -- I can see it from the way they huddle suspiciously and stop when they saw me.
To cut things short, the told me that I'm hurting people (Read: best friend) because of two things: 1) My PR account and 2) My texting. So they asked me to delete my PR account, which was okay with me -- it's getting harder to find people that will just chat with you nowadays. After that, the three of us spent a normal afternoon malling and going places (with another spectacular green-eye moment) then my best friend left for work.
Now that there are only the two of us, I can rant everything, including the fact that I had a good case of BV when my friend and his boyfriend started pushing my best friend to take it to the next level. Another thing was that my best friend was acting like we're a couple, making demands well above and beyond the "best friend" designation. This is doubly unsettling since my best friend and my recent ex have uncannily similar personalities, so I felt that I didn't really end the relationship: the pressure's still there.The two of us had a long talk about it (and other stuff) and he apologized for the aforementioned intrusion.
So we both went home, with me thinking that the worst has come to pass.
Yeah right.
14.4.11
Intramoment
Sa maituturing kong unang gala after ng breakup, sumama ako sa friend kong magpunta ng school nia para magayos ng clearance. Mga 2pm kami nakarating eh sabi 5pm pa daw pwede kaya nag SM Manila muna kami. Partida, heto yung unang moment in years na nakagala ulit ako sa walls ng Intramuros, habang nagdadaldalan kami at nagcacatchup (di kasi kami nagkita for around 5 months). Pagdating ng SM, dada at lakad lang kami, konting psych session bout sa takot inability niyang makapagcommit ng matagal. DI namin narealize na 1.5 hours na pala kmai naglalakad (saya kasi). Kaya naupos sa may cinema at nagdaldalan ulit. Natuwa naman si friend kasi mas may nakausap daw siya ng ganun (kasi daw sa section nila apat lang silang di virgin, huwaaat?!graduating class ito mind)
Nung nagutom, derechong greenwich. Isa lang napansin namin, kasapi ang mga servers sa samahan! Hahaha hinuhuli nga ngamin ng tingin yung isa kasi cute, ngiti lang sinasagot (makakain ng sa greenwich ng madalas hahahaha). Tapos balik school niya para dun sa clearance.
Pagdating sa office, hay lahat ng nandun eh kung hindi may tendency, eh bali ka. Buti nalang cute yung members ng student council. Eh gago tong kasama ko itinutulak akong kilalanin sila kuya council, natorpe ako! Hahahahaha
Owell baka bumalik naman kami dun, sana sakto sa training sked ko. Gusto ko ulit matry ang swerte. Hohoho
Nung nagutom, derechong greenwich. Isa lang napansin namin, kasapi ang mga servers sa samahan! Hahaha hinuhuli nga ngamin ng tingin yung isa kasi cute, ngiti lang sinasagot (makakain ng sa greenwich ng madalas hahahaha). Tapos balik school niya para dun sa clearance.
Pagdating sa office, hay lahat ng nandun eh kung hindi may tendency, eh bali ka. Buti nalang cute yung members ng student council. Eh gago tong kasama ko itinutulak akong kilalanin sila kuya council, natorpe ako! Hahahahaha
Owell baka bumalik naman kami dun, sana sakto sa training sked ko. Gusto ko ulit matry ang swerte. Hohoho
12.4.11
Pag wala talaga magawa
Sa mga oras na to, papunta/nakarating na ang kapatid ko sa China. At dahil sa pagiging bitchy bastard niya these past few weeks, eh isa lang mahihiling ko:
BWAKANANG BATA KA, TAMAAN SANA NG MALAMIG NA HANGIN YANG KUKOTE MO NG MAAYOS NAMAN NG KAUNTI! LECHUGAS, PARANG WALA KANG PAMILYA EH. KUNG DI KA TALABAN NG FREEZING TEMPERATURES NG CHINA EH MASAPAK KA DIYA SA PAG-AANGAS MO! MAKALOG LANG YANG ULO MO NG KAUNTI.
There. Pero Asa (oye, capital A) naman ako. baka makakuha lang yan ng bagong fans sa China considering na kamuha daw niya ito
...at ito (eto mas recent, ginagaya nga ni kumag eh)
...kung di lang talaga kita mahal, nagulpi na kita.
Leche.
BWAKANANG BATA KA, TAMAAN SANA NG MALAMIG NA HANGIN YANG KUKOTE MO NG MAAYOS NAMAN NG KAUNTI! LECHUGAS, PARANG WALA KANG PAMILYA EH. KUNG DI KA TALABAN NG FREEZING TEMPERATURES NG CHINA EH MASAPAK KA DIYA SA PAG-AANGAS MO! MAKALOG LANG YANG ULO MO NG KAUNTI.
There. Pero Asa (oye, capital A) naman ako. baka makakuha lang yan ng bagong fans sa China considering na kamuha daw niya ito
...at ito (eto mas recent, ginagaya nga ni kumag eh)
...kung di lang talaga kita mahal, nagulpi na kita.
Leche.
Deterrents - The Morning(s) After
Sometimes, life deals you a hand so crappy you just want to throw it away and never play again. For example, getting into a major argument with your best friend (quite possibly leading to him moving somewhere else just not to see me) and getting a hit in the NBI database (which may be so-so if not for the fact that I may be the one in the blacklist due to a contract signed eight years ago) in the span of 24 hours is usually enough to get me in a state of anger warranting a pair of sticks and a very sturdy set of tires.
But now, I actually played the idea of downing the arsenic lying in my desk (that vial in the last post was 5 grams arsenic chloride -- a poison with a lethal dose of 250-400 milligrams)
Since past 27 days were not normal.
Twenty-seven days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up -- on our monthsary. Everyone around me that knew of the relationship congratulated me, considering that they thought I gave up too much of myself and still not get the feeling that my partner was satisfied with my sacrifices. I, on the other hand, was seething with anger I didn't know was dwelling in me all this time. I was angry at him for not holding on to us at the time I cannot do so. For demanding me to basically change from regular me into his dream boyfriend who will carry him of to the sunset. For ardently wishing to destroy my world so that I'll be in his. But more than that, I was angry at myself for letting things deteriorate this far.
It didn't help two hours after the breakup, he texted me asking if we could give it another chance. True, I called him and we talked. He even chided that we didn't get to talk that much 'before' (of course I didn't, he wants us to talk all day already). But, the truth was I was just patronizing him. I cringed every time he says 'mahal ko' and 'I love you'. Not that I don't want to hear those things from him, but the fact he carelessly threw those phrases during the conversation after we broke up was nerve-shattering. I felt like a yo-yo thrown away and then pulled back, or a family pet that is savagely beaten, only to be cuddled after.
'Twas Monday, so I asked him until Friday for me to decide if I am going back. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were complete and utter hell. He still texts me as if nothing happened, complete with the sweet nothings and the constant texts and calls. So on Wednesday, I asked him to stop, hindi kami kaya walang paglulugaran ang mga pinagsasabi niya. Fortunately he did stop texting, but by then my mind was deadened to any emotion towards him. I still can't bring myself to say that there would be no more chances. But I had started calling him ex. Fuck me.
Friday came and went without a decision, the weekend too. Monday bore a big surprise: he decided to leave for Dubai. Okay it's not a surprise, I was following his plurks, which is the surefire way for me to glean information off of him. I learned that little tidbit, as well as he met with someone and spent the night with him. I know who the bastard was, he was the grandson of a previous mayor of our city who eyed my ex before we got together (yes, my ex's family lines had influence, most of them having a soft spot for jewels, gold and watches). Actually, he (and his Arab boyfriend) never did quite stop pursuing my ex. But seeing that post (which combined the admission of acrobatics with the declaration of never-ending love for me) made me sick to my heart. I thought he'd stay true while I thought about us. Oh well.
The next Wednesday rolled with him briefly going to our house, leaving his passport, his supposed E-ticket for Dubai, and a long white polo for my brother (that last item brought additional heartaches for me and my family, but that's another story). I said supposed because when I bothered to open the piece oftrash paper, it showed a Manila-Singapore-Dubai flight plan -- in reverse. Putang ina naman, ako nagfoforge ng school documents mo, sana medyo inayos mo yung pagaalter ng E-ticket mo. By that time, it was already Friday and I know that he was not really planning to go anywhere (thanks to his texts and plurks).
And by that time, I made up my mind.
No more chances. And I'm not going to tell you.
But now, I actually played the idea of downing the arsenic lying in my desk (that vial in the last post was 5 grams arsenic chloride -- a poison with a lethal dose of 250-400 milligrams)
Since past 27 days were not normal.
Twenty-seven days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up -- on our monthsary. Everyone around me that knew of the relationship congratulated me, considering that they thought I gave up too much of myself and still not get the feeling that my partner was satisfied with my sacrifices. I, on the other hand, was seething with anger I didn't know was dwelling in me all this time. I was angry at him for not holding on to us at the time I cannot do so. For demanding me to basically change from regular me into his dream boyfriend who will carry him of to the sunset. For ardently wishing to destroy my world so that I'll be in his. But more than that, I was angry at myself for letting things deteriorate this far.
It didn't help two hours after the breakup, he texted me asking if we could give it another chance. True, I called him and we talked. He even chided that we didn't get to talk that much 'before' (of course I didn't, he wants us to talk all day already). But, the truth was I was just patronizing him. I cringed every time he says 'mahal ko' and 'I love you'. Not that I don't want to hear those things from him, but the fact he carelessly threw those phrases during the conversation after we broke up was nerve-shattering. I felt like a yo-yo thrown away and then pulled back, or a family pet that is savagely beaten, only to be cuddled after.
'Twas Monday, so I asked him until Friday for me to decide if I am going back. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were complete and utter hell. He still texts me as if nothing happened, complete with the sweet nothings and the constant texts and calls. So on Wednesday, I asked him to stop, hindi kami kaya walang paglulugaran ang mga pinagsasabi niya. Fortunately he did stop texting, but by then my mind was deadened to any emotion towards him. I still can't bring myself to say that there would be no more chances. But I had started calling him ex. Fuck me.
Friday came and went without a decision, the weekend too. Monday bore a big surprise: he decided to leave for Dubai. Okay it's not a surprise, I was following his plurks, which is the surefire way for me to glean information off of him. I learned that little tidbit, as well as he met with someone and spent the night with him. I know who the bastard was, he was the grandson of a previous mayor of our city who eyed my ex before we got together (yes, my ex's family lines had influence, most of them having a soft spot for jewels, gold and watches). Actually, he (and his Arab boyfriend) never did quite stop pursuing my ex. But seeing that post (which combined the admission of acrobatics with the declaration of never-ending love for me) made me sick to my heart. I thought he'd stay true while I thought about us. Oh well.
The next Wednesday rolled with him briefly going to our house, leaving his passport, his supposed E-ticket for Dubai, and a long white polo for my brother (that last item brought additional heartaches for me and my family, but that's another story). I said supposed because when I bothered to open the piece of
And by that time, I made up my mind.
No more chances. And I'm not going to tell you.
11.4.11
White Power Game
Migrations
A little over a week ago, I stumbled upon my wordpress account and started blogging there. It was supposed to be a digital diary of sorts, something to keep the insanity at bay.
However, I can't stop looking around the blogosphere, looking at posts, chancing up on a worthwhile comment. I needed others, especially now.
The bonds I created are falling apart, and I vaguely understand why.
So I decided to move here, just in case people might notice and share a spark or two.
If you want to look at what I started with, it's here
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