SocMed overload

I'm sick of social media.

Or to be exact, I'm sick of social media promising me that I can connect with people better, faster, easier. That by giving me a glimpse of other people's lives, I might be able to grasp a connection with them. However, more often than not, you'll encounter a glass wall between you and other people in social media - both literally and figuratively.

You cannot touch them, a monitor separates your world from theirs. You cannot interact with their world, save for a like. You cannot send a message without other people thinking you need something from them (well, you do - just not what they think you need). There's this stupid etiquette that you can only talk about superficialities with most of your so-called Facebook Friends and Followers. And if you do break that unspoken rule and do ask, you'll be lucky if you get an "okay lang" or a "haha". Most people do not think that it's proper to tell what you really feel - so they resort to the safe answers.

If you're reading this, please comment in this post how you really feel right now. Let's talk under the shadows, under nom-de-plumes. Let us unleash what's inside before we shackle it again under the masks of supposed civility.

On Journeys

Maundy Thursday entails the tradition of Visita Iglesia among the Filipino faithful. Now just don't ask me why do we do it - I'll just mumble something about tradition and ask you if you do have any ideas.

Having started this practice last 2010/2011, suffice to say it's a new thing in our family. And like all new things, I am completely averse to the idea of being dragged to different churches to stay for not more than ten minutes each. Nevertheless, it provided me a chance to offer prayers in each church...also an inward journey of my own.

At first, I was offering my prayers to anyone that would need them - a friend, a relative, a stranger. While we go to more locations, there were subtle shifts in what I ask. From passive intercession, I began to ask to be the conduit of said intercession. By the fourth church, I am already asking for the strength and fortitude to be said vessel.

I guess in some way, I understand what my prayer needed and have been asking for that particular thing onto the next church. By the last church, I asked for understanding not of my life, but of my death (No, I do not have a death wish). I felt that understanding it would help me understand my life and purpose, as well as remove any fears of dying in order to fully help others.

In a way, this particular Visita helped me understand my own mortal journey a little bit more. I realized that I'm anxious (but not afraid) of dying since I do not know anything that happens after, I'm terrified of leaving people behind, hurt due to my death, and afraid that I will be forgotten quickly. 

Maybe you're thinking that I'll finish this saying that I know now what to do, of what the next steps will entail. Thank your lucky stars we're not betting anything, since I'm still at a loss of how to move forward regarding this. My heart is still hurt from recent experiences of being left out of something I thought I was a part of, and still trying to be a part of. I still have no idea how to keep my treasured people near my heart while not squeezing the life out of them. I still don't know the path that I want inside and outside my work. I honestly feel the inertia sucking my very essence into the doldrums of my soul.

I would rather find the end of myself being battered by the violent wave rather than merging with the mirror-smooth sea.

I just hope I know how.